My Personal Hell

Many of you know I've been struggling with depression for awhile now. Talking with my counselor, Her & I have agreed it started when I was younger, 6th grade.

I really haven't talked to anyone much about this. I've felt no one would understand or even care. I felt people would judge me more because of the depression the accept me or help me be there for me.

Back in April/May I started opening up about it on Facebook.
I had been feeling so alone & down & I mean really down. I was losing interest in things & life. I started to feel like No One cares so why should I? Then a friend introduced me to this chat group site. I was unsure of it cuz of the past. But I needed to talk & at this point in my life I felt I had no 1 to talk to.. I honestly felt even Randy didn't care & wouldn't listen so I felt totally alone.
So I started to talk in this 1group on the site.. didn't really say much just the basics, my name my husbands name how long we've been together how many kids we have. I told them how Randy & I met & our little romantic story of how things came about & we were sealed for all time & eternity. I was told by several just by how I was talking they could tell I'm deeply in love with my husband I told them yes I am & if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be here. He is my rock.. him & the kids give me a purpose to be here.
At this point I wanted to just spill the beans about my feelings, but I didn't want these people to judge me like I feel the real people in my life are doing. Yes they knew when I met Randy I was depressed & suicidal but that was almost 14yrs ago..
As weeks went on talking to this group of people I had realized they are just like me.. they are all struggling with something in their lives that is making them depressed & they were opening up about it & NO ONE is judging them or making fun of them.. they are all supporting each other.. so then I felt comfortable to open up to them about my struggles. So I did & if felt good. Then I decided to start opening up on Facebook & that felt good. But then I did get a few on Facebook telling me I'm just crying out for attention or they are tired of hearing about my life. At first it really got to me & I didn't say much anymore. But if you read my first post, I thought to myself "Who cares what they think if they don't like it They don't have to read it or be friends with me.. it's My Facebook & it's making me feel better & that's all that matter's."
I felt that group was a very big part on supporting me helping me open up & accept I was struggling. I felt they truly cared about me & they wanted to know how I was doing & not just saying it to say it. I'm no longer in that group, but I do find myself from time to time thinking about a few of them wondering how 1of their moms doing.. is she still alive or did her time finally come to return to Heaven.. another1.. has being on her own help her figure out things in life is she still struggling over her lose? Many more I think about. I also found out from someone in that group who is a Facebook friend.. she told me people are asking about me & worried.. she asked if it was ok to tell them things were going good & I'm talking to a counselor.

So that is how I became open to my depression & accepted that I do have a problem & need help Because I can't do it on my own. Also because I've opened up on Facebook I found a few people who are going through the same thing & we are talking more. And strangely it is people I knew when younger but never really talked to them or even thought they knew I excised. Also opening up I found out that my rock.. he would judge me He cares & wants to help me. So he was the one who contacted the counseling place.

Wondering what's bringing this up?
Well last night I saw on a friends status something I put on my status

"It's hard to explain to someone who has no clue. It's a daily struggle feeling sick on the inside while you look fine on the outside Please put this as your status for at least 1 hour if you or someone you know has an invisible illness (Anxiety, BiPolar, Depression ,etc.) "Never judge what you don't understand!!"

So I put that as my status but then I got thinking about all those people who have judged me in the past without truly knowing what's going on. It was late so I didn't write about how I was feeling.. so today I did on Facebook.. but then decided to come "blog" about how I feel

Here is what I said on Facebook

It's sad that people will judge you by what you're doing or not doing & they don't take the time to sit & talk to "KNOW" you more They just think your lazy & Like to live this way....
Really.. Really "YOU" think I like to live this way?!?!
Do "You" have any IDEA what hell I'm going through inside??
I WANT to change but I'm stuck. I feel like it doesn't matter how hard I work/try Things don't happen. & when I do accomplish things & feel really good about myself for it Who's around to see it?
NOT "You" "You" only see the "Mess"
How many of "You" ever took the time to really sit & talk to me & truly get to know me? Until "You" can answer YES to that question please keep your mouth shut & stop judging me
I'm working on getting better & figuring out things 50min just isn't long enough to talk.. we'll talk about What's on my mind when I Go there & she'll go back & talk about.. well ask about things I've already said.. but then I get home & think I should've talked about this..
What I don't think people realize is things they say can hurt for yrs. I hear people say "Actions speak lounder then words" Those people I don't think realize that words or the lack of words hurts more or times Means more then actions or lack of actions
People close to me have said things to me in the past That have hurt & they have sticked to me & I can't shack them off & that is why I feel I feel the way I do like I'm worthless (some have been in the last 3months)
The thing is, some of those people are family & hearing what they are talking about about me really hurts & a few have told me to my face what they think. Yet like I said, have those people sat down & truly talked to me to really know me? They just think I'm this lazy person who can't keep her house clean or her kids under control.
Some may say No that isn't what we think but you know what.. Your past words & also actions speak louder.

I know I'm not perfect I know my kids aren't perfect but You know I'm trying.. I'm trying my hardest at being the best mom I can be to these kids.. I'm trying my hardest to be the best wife I can be to Randy.. I'm trying my hardest at being the best friend I can be to others..I'm trying & isn't that all that should matter?

For many years I have heard people say not directly to me but in a group setting "By the way you are living if the Lord knocked on your door would you be embarrassed to let Him in? Is the music books & movies appropriate for the Lord. Is your house clean & clutter free?"
Every time I hear this it kills me inside. I know my music books & movies I'm not embarrassed about yet also I'm not embarrassed about how my house looks either. I KNOW if the Lord knocked on my door today & saw my house the clutter mess it is right now He would reach out His arms embrace me & then HELP me with no questions or complaints.
How many of "You" would do that?
How many of "You" would walk in & think "she must like to live this way cuz her house always looks like this."
I don't like to live this way & many of "You" may say "Well then do something about it."
You think if it was That easy I would have already done it.. I'm so overwhelmed I don't know where to start or what to do.

I try not to let what others say get to me & bother me, but it's hard & some of you reading this will know what I mean. Times it's like "This is what the outside world views me as" other times you get stuck in your head "Oh my gosh! They are right that is how I am."
The mind.. it's a vicious thing.. it plays games with you Makes you think
one way then BAM you start to think another way especially after hearing something negative about you or feeling down & remembering all the negative things you've heard about yourself.

What hurts the most is when someone you care about & value what they say Says something it sticks with you & you can't shake it off & when they seem to not stick up for you when people start talking/judging you. Yes these things happened years ago but it happened & is stuck inside my mind like a scare. I don't want to remember all these things I want to forget.. When I finally start forgetting & those things don't effect me.. they say or do something that brings back all those past things.. then the mind starts playing that vicious game with me.

I'm hurting inside.. I've been hurting for many years.. times I feel like I'm going through Hell with all this pain inside & no one understands.. I feel alone.. which I know there are a few who understand & I'm not alone.

I wanna stop hurting inside Someday I will