Not Sure What To Title This

Saturday night I had started writing but got extremely tired & couldn't finish.. yet today so much is going on.. to I start where I left off or skip over & do what I feel today?? Well I'll start where I ended, it'd be better. August 30 as some know, is my mom's birthday. This yr it's the 4th birthday since she's been gone. Also, this yr to me has felt different from yrs past. I'm not sure if it's just me being crazy/silly or if my family has changed. My family decided a few yrs back that for August since it was all adult birthdays we'd only get together 1time & Mom's birthday was when we all picked. It was either on her birthday or the Sat/Sun before. After Mom died that didn't change, including this yr but what did change, instead of meeting up at Mom & Dad's house, we met up at Mom's grave then went to the park next to the cemetery for a picnic & family fun. Well this yr when I got the phone call the plans were being discussed it didn't include going to Spanish Fork when I asked why I just got I don't know no one has said anything. Really to ppl have to say "Hey lets go to.Spanish Fork" come on.. So I gave my input as to where I'd want it.. I picked a park over my house cuz it was between my house or my 2other sisters (so 3places) I figured it'd be easier to go to the park 1. no one had to worry about hosting the family at their house & 2. the park would give the kids more to do. But like always with everything with both mine & Randy's family My voice wasn't heard or No one thought it was a good idea. Well after the final plan was told to me something inside was just bugging me, wasn't exactly sure what it was until Wed or Thur last wk. It was the fact that the family was not going to Spanish Fork. So I said to Randy Me you & the kids are going down either Sat or Sun before the bbq.. we figures Sat would be better. So Sat August 27 when Randy got home from work Us & the kids got into the van & headed to Spanish Fork. It was almost instantly when we got there my anxiety/stress went away. I went & put the flowers we had gotten on her grave. I took some pictures of the kids. Then the boys started wondering looking at the other graves, seeing if there is any new ones there since we were.there last. At 1point no one was around Elizabeth & I were the only ones at the grave. It was quiet & peaceful & a cool breeze & the breeze was blowing some chimes. Awww perfect moment to think to reflect & just to talk to Mom. It was so nice. Boys & randy came back & the boys were ready to head over to the park. Oh that was so much fun :-) I didn't do much running around, just watched them all.. I Love watching Randy play with his boys running around playing tag. I married a great guy Wonderful father He loves his kids. I feel like I'm a lucky girl.. the situation I was in younger, the man who fathered my first born stuck around & is still around.. I loved watching them & taking pictures, but then it was time to go. The next day was the BBQ at my sister's. It turned out to be 1 of those Sundays so we ended up not going. I was feeling pretty good about Mom's birthday comeing up. We had already went to her grave, I talked to her felt at peace. But then something happened the night before. It pretty much shattered my heart. I was at a lost.. I started to have anxiety panic attacks. I couldn't sleep & when I would get calmed relaxed enough Elizabeth would wake up.. so I was up til 5am but then had to get up by 7:30 to get boys up & to school by 8. Wow it was crazy. All that day of her birthday I was wishing she was here. I needed the comfort she always gave me. I also was wishing if she was here I wouldn't be acting the way I am (depressed/distant) & what had happened wouldn't have happened cuz I wouldn't have pushed them away like I feel I have & I didn't & don't mean to. Which now brings us to today. My heart was not crushed, it was shattered. My heart had been crushed about 2months ago & I feel like I was putting it back together the best I could. The person involved helped a little, yet I felt they were still acting/treating me different felt they weren't truly sorry or at least I didn't feel they were cuz things they said to me was very hurtful. They did something that hurt me yet some how turned it around & made me feel it was my fault & I deserved it or had it coming. So since I was already feeling crushed & moving on from it on my own & that same person doing what they just did went beyond crushing my heart.. it's shattered it. It's harder to put shattered pieces back together especially on my own. As of right now I feel I'm on my own. Yes this person said "sorry" Yet it was in a text.. come on really?? In the past when I said "Sorry" to you how'd I do it? I did it many ways for days to follow.. I said it in person in text in a letter & in my actions.. ok I understand we are "wired" differently yet in your words "Actions speak louder then words" yet right now It's Your words I'm wanting cuz your actions isn't saying much. I'm tired of my heart hurting I'm tired of it. All I want is to feel loved & be held. I'm hurting really really bad inside.